Sometimes you try to keep your head above water and the waves just keep hitting you in the face, but when you can rise up just a little, then you are strolling upon undulating hills of fluid. It takes enormous amounts of focus, concentration, hope, and faith. It takes courage to know that the things you can't control may merely be stepping stones for the future.
I don't think I slept much last night, but every time I woke, I was able to go back to sleep by thinking about smells. Apparently the smell center is close to the sleep center in the brain and suddenly I have a non-medical tool to help with my circumstantial insomnia. It is a great blessing.
I have spent my life doing for myself. It is in my blood, this independent streak. It isn't pride. I remember being this way as a tiny child, wanting to do it alone, by myself, as if that was the only path I could see. It is physically painful to accept help from others. I eventually came to the conclusion that this was some form of great strength, doing things alone, when in reality, I was left exposed to the elements, blasted by the wind and storms.
I suddenly and painfully came to the conclusion that this lone tree was in a storm that could not be weathered alone, and there was a forest of support nearby. As it turns out, the forest does not weaken, it is strength, and when I am about to fall I find myself sured up while my roots dig a little deeper. It is a beautiful phenomenon, and not the crutch I had always supposed it would be. I was always willing to be there for others, but something magical happens when you are able to graciously receive the hands extended toward you.
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