Monday, June 2, 2014

Hello Again.

A lot has changed for me since I was actively writing here. I have less time, three children two and under, and well, I am going it alone. It's strange to post that publicly. Sort of a gulp, am I really going to post that? Those closest to me already know this and it is rather obvious from those who know me personally so why not, right? I guess all of my attempts to keep everything under wraps were for naught. I may be a gun-slinger, but I am not a mud-slinger, so may I just say it has been a personal journey where I realized that I lost myself and am learning to find myself again. I am not going to point fingers or find fault. It helps no one to do so. There is a point where you let it go and you feel free. Happy. Peaceful. I had all of these things I wanted to do and be and I shelfed ME so I could try to be someone he would love. Pfft. Funny sounding, isn't it? To spend years thinking, "If only I were more _____ then he would love me more." I finally realized that I was really saying, "If only I were NOT ME, then he would love me more."

That is raw. That is real. It has taken a lot of time and effort to discover some new things about myself, so with this new vulnerability that I have found the courage to expose in myself, I say, I am lovable as-is. I read recently that if you try to wear a mask that eventually you will have nothing underneath it. I never intentionally wore a mask, but I did ignore the hurt and pretend it wasn't there. The painful events that have led to this are a blessing in many ways.

Another thing I have learned is that I have held myself back in many ways. Being smart set me apart and so I have played dumb for many years. I am finished playing dumb. I have substituted my dreams for what others wanted for me, not choosing what I wanted, but what I thought others wanted me to have. I am finished with that, too. I am capable of choosing what I want and I am finished holding back. I can't take back the time I have lost, but I can go forward and be me. I have given up some amazing opportunities and self-sabotaged other opportunities, and I can't get those back, but I can believe I am capable of great things and live up to my potential right now. Enough for tonight. You may hear from me more often. I am a writer, after all, and writers write.

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