Forgiveness is freeing oneself from reliving past injury. The body does not differentiate between recalling details from the past and experiencing it firsthand, so by recalling insult or injury and not forgiving, the victim becomes a predator to him or herself, pouring trauma into the mind and body with every recollection. This is where freedom of self enters in. By releasing the offending party in thought, the victim is freed to heal. That doesn't mean that the offending party need be released from accountability, or reparation. It doesn't mean accepting the offenses as acceptable. It does not mean that the offending party should be warmly welcomed back in to continue to do harm. Forgiveness isn't necessarily embracing that individual again. It can be, but forgiveness can also mean releasing the offender from a former position of friendship to create a safe distance to protect oneself without a need to hold on to anger, spite, resentment, and other bitter, poisonous emotions. Sometimes forgiving means moving forward without that person, and allowing that person and yourself to move on to find happiness without expecting them to change, or submitting yourself to further injury.
Sunday, June 15, 2014
Forgiveness
One of the things that I feel strongly about is allowing people to change when they are ready to change. We should not hold them to some past decision or behavior. While past behavior can be a strong predictor of future behavior, it should not be a prison from progress. One should not be verbally bruised daily or reminded of past wrongs either. That being said, I have journeyed lately into the recesses of my mind to resolve my understanding of this moral pillar in my belief system. Somehow I started to believe that forgiveness meant continuing to allow someone to continue to injure me.
Tuesday, June 3, 2014
Spoiler: Every Movie You Have & Will See
Books are books. They use formulas just like music, cooking, math, choreography, chemistry... What sets each of these apart is when the formula is no longer visible and one is transported, unaware of the underlying skeleton on which taste, touch, sight, sound, thought, and smell hangs.
Screenplays are no different. We have all been victims of movies that leave us feeling like our time would have been better spent knitting a sweater, digging a hole, or scraping paint than subjecting ourselves to such meaningless and shallow entertainment. A few come to mind for me, including Robert Redford's latest. It wasn't his acting, however, it was the screenplay. Screenplays include dialogue, visuals, audio, scenes, locations, characters, plotlines, and camera shots.They are limited to roughly 90-125 pages (one page per minute of film, roughly) and can be masterfully transporting or miserably disappointing. I am learning about screenplay writing and have included a rough skeleton of what I have learned below:
Screenplay formula:
Act 1- introduce characters, start with some "fire," 6 mains, 5 supporting characters that are purposeful, extras, background characters. Introduce the problem - 25 pages
Act 2- build up characters, define strengths, problems, action of trying to solve problems, conflict every 3 pages, 50 pages
Act 3- resolution of problem(s) - 25 pages, more "fire," the characters are different having journeyed through the story.
Characters- protag hopes to achieve something and antag, blocking or stopping the protag from achieving his/her goal; what methods does antag use to stop protag? co-stars 3-4, one supporting protag, one supporting antag. Supporting characters bring in new ideas, help them get in or out of trouble, guide them rightly or wrongly, pull main characters in different directions.
Two remaining supporting or featured characters should add humor, drama, be interesting, serve a purpose, helpful or trouble for main character. 4-5 featured characters, each a few lines; extras must have purpose, may have a line or two. Background characters fill in to make it seem real (no lines).
Develop clever story turns that nobody sees, new challenge, defeat, how they react to it, what they do about it, 1-2 major turns, these are conflicts, they create a sense of urgency, like time is running out, many little turns, obstacles, or conflicts are fine.
Dialogue - 10 word sentences, 3 sentences at a time max.
Plot - is the action of the story; subplot is theme of the story or what is the story about or the main point, what do you want the world to know, learn or enjoy. Plot moves the subplot along. How do characters feel about subplots, for or against? How do they behave because of it?
May have a recurring sound or image that reminds us of the theme that takes place before a story turn or a major conflict and is called a theme pattern (i.e. Jaws music).
Tell the visuals concisely to help guide the production, shooting timelines, costuming, etc. Don't direct in a screenplay, describe.
Screenplays are no different. We have all been victims of movies that leave us feeling like our time would have been better spent knitting a sweater, digging a hole, or scraping paint than subjecting ourselves to such meaningless and shallow entertainment. A few come to mind for me, including Robert Redford's latest. It wasn't his acting, however, it was the screenplay. Screenplays include dialogue, visuals, audio, scenes, locations, characters, plotlines, and camera shots.They are limited to roughly 90-125 pages (one page per minute of film, roughly) and can be masterfully transporting or miserably disappointing. I am learning about screenplay writing and have included a rough skeleton of what I have learned below:
Screenplay formula:
Act 1- introduce characters, start with some "fire," 6 mains, 5 supporting characters that are purposeful, extras, background characters. Introduce the problem - 25 pages
Act 2- build up characters, define strengths, problems, action of trying to solve problems, conflict every 3 pages, 50 pages
Act 3- resolution of problem(s) - 25 pages, more "fire," the characters are different having journeyed through the story.
Characters- protag hopes to achieve something and antag, blocking or stopping the protag from achieving his/her goal; what methods does antag use to stop protag? co-stars 3-4, one supporting protag, one supporting antag. Supporting characters bring in new ideas, help them get in or out of trouble, guide them rightly or wrongly, pull main characters in different directions.
Two remaining supporting or featured characters should add humor, drama, be interesting, serve a purpose, helpful or trouble for main character. 4-5 featured characters, each a few lines; extras must have purpose, may have a line or two. Background characters fill in to make it seem real (no lines).
Develop clever story turns that nobody sees, new challenge, defeat, how they react to it, what they do about it, 1-2 major turns, these are conflicts, they create a sense of urgency, like time is running out, many little turns, obstacles, or conflicts are fine.
Dialogue - 10 word sentences, 3 sentences at a time max.
Plot - is the action of the story; subplot is theme of the story or what is the story about or the main point, what do you want the world to know, learn or enjoy. Plot moves the subplot along. How do characters feel about subplots, for or against? How do they behave because of it?
May have a recurring sound or image that reminds us of the theme that takes place before a story turn or a major conflict and is called a theme pattern (i.e. Jaws music).
Tell the visuals concisely to help guide the production, shooting timelines, costuming, etc. Don't direct in a screenplay, describe.
Monday, June 2, 2014
Hello Again.
A lot has changed for me since I was actively writing here. I have less time, three children two and under, and well, I am going it alone. It's strange to post that publicly. Sort of a gulp, am I really going to post that? Those closest to me already know this and it is rather obvious from those who know me personally so why not, right? I guess all of my attempts to keep everything under wraps were for naught. I may be a gun-slinger, but I am not a mud-slinger, so may I just say it has been a personal journey where I realized that I lost myself and am learning to find myself again. I am not going to point fingers or find fault. It helps no one to do so. There is a point where you let it go and you feel free. Happy. Peaceful. I had all of these things I wanted to do and be and I shelfed ME so I could try to be someone he would love. Pfft. Funny sounding, isn't it? To spend years thinking, "If only I were more _____ then he would love me more." I finally realized that I was really saying, "If only I were NOT ME, then he would love me more."
That is raw. That is real. It has taken a lot of time and effort to discover some new things about myself, so with this new vulnerability that I have found the courage to expose in myself, I say, I am lovable as-is. I read recently that if you try to wear a mask that eventually you will have nothing underneath it. I never intentionally wore a mask, but I did ignore the hurt and pretend it wasn't there. The painful events that have led to this are a blessing in many ways.
Another thing I have learned is that I have held myself back in many ways. Being smart set me apart and so I have played dumb for many years. I am finished playing dumb. I have substituted my dreams for what others wanted for me, not choosing what I wanted, but what I thought others wanted me to have. I am finished with that, too. I am capable of choosing what I want and I am finished holding back. I can't take back the time I have lost, but I can go forward and be me. I have given up some amazing opportunities and self-sabotaged other opportunities, and I can't get those back, but I can believe I am capable of great things and live up to my potential right now. Enough for tonight. You may hear from me more often. I am a writer, after all, and writers write.
That is raw. That is real. It has taken a lot of time and effort to discover some new things about myself, so with this new vulnerability that I have found the courage to expose in myself, I say, I am lovable as-is. I read recently that if you try to wear a mask that eventually you will have nothing underneath it. I never intentionally wore a mask, but I did ignore the hurt and pretend it wasn't there. The painful events that have led to this are a blessing in many ways.
Another thing I have learned is that I have held myself back in many ways. Being smart set me apart and so I have played dumb for many years. I am finished playing dumb. I have substituted my dreams for what others wanted for me, not choosing what I wanted, but what I thought others wanted me to have. I am finished with that, too. I am capable of choosing what I want and I am finished holding back. I can't take back the time I have lost, but I can go forward and be me. I have given up some amazing opportunities and self-sabotaged other opportunities, and I can't get those back, but I can believe I am capable of great things and live up to my potential right now. Enough for tonight. You may hear from me more often. I am a writer, after all, and writers write.
Sunday, May 4, 2014
Baby Booket List
I waited so long to become a mom that I thought about being a mom a lot over the years. I have some activities (a bucket-list of sorts) that I want to do with the children that are book-based, so here are a few:
Anne of Green Gables series, L.M. Montgomery - go on an outing where we eat treats from Anne's pantry like raspberry cordial, little cakes, and have a poetry reading, or read some of L.M. Montgomery's memoirs. Of course, visiting Prince Edward Island is on the list as well.
Frances the Badger series, Russell Hoban - I loved these books as a child and inherited a real tea set from my mom with roses painted on them. We would have a little tea party but would probably combine this with some of the things from when she goes on a picnic, hard boiled eggs, a tiny set of salt and pepper shakers, a pillowcase for catching snakes, and of course, Jam and Bread.
Where the Wild Things Are, Maurice Sendak - Have a monster party in the woods where we all get to be a monster and stomp and be grumpy. After all, we all need some time for that!
Very Hungry Caterpillar, Eric Carle - I think it would be fun to come up with a menu full of the hungry caterpillar items and at the end we all get butterfly wings. Maybe dye skewers green and put the items eaten on them shishkabob-style so they have holes in them already?
Alice in Wonderland, Charles Lutwidge Dodgson (aka. Lewis Carroll) - A Mad-Hatter's Tea Party/Unbirthday Party complete with crazy hats and costumes, and perhaps a mushroom cake?
Of course there are several other bucket list items that don't include books, namely visiting Germany, Kyoto Castle in Japan (perhaps for the upcoming Olympics?), teaching them all programming using the Alice software, studying Chinese as a family and visiting China together. I guess it all boils down to what we want in life. I hope that we can save up and have some of these fun memories together but also recognize that some of these are a long way off and will require a great deal of sacrifice. Visiting Turkey and Armenia are also on my personal list, but mainly for research for a book. I will add more items later.
Anne of Green Gables series, L.M. Montgomery - go on an outing where we eat treats from Anne's pantry like raspberry cordial, little cakes, and have a poetry reading, or read some of L.M. Montgomery's memoirs. Of course, visiting Prince Edward Island is on the list as well.
Frances the Badger series, Russell Hoban - I loved these books as a child and inherited a real tea set from my mom with roses painted on them. We would have a little tea party but would probably combine this with some of the things from when she goes on a picnic, hard boiled eggs, a tiny set of salt and pepper shakers, a pillowcase for catching snakes, and of course, Jam and Bread.
Where the Wild Things Are, Maurice Sendak - Have a monster party in the woods where we all get to be a monster and stomp and be grumpy. After all, we all need some time for that!
Very Hungry Caterpillar, Eric Carle - I think it would be fun to come up with a menu full of the hungry caterpillar items and at the end we all get butterfly wings. Maybe dye skewers green and put the items eaten on them shishkabob-style so they have holes in them already?
Alice in Wonderland, Charles Lutwidge Dodgson (aka. Lewis Carroll) - A Mad-Hatter's Tea Party/Unbirthday Party complete with crazy hats and costumes, and perhaps a mushroom cake?
Of course there are several other bucket list items that don't include books, namely visiting Germany, Kyoto Castle in Japan (perhaps for the upcoming Olympics?), teaching them all programming using the Alice software, studying Chinese as a family and visiting China together. I guess it all boils down to what we want in life. I hope that we can save up and have some of these fun memories together but also recognize that some of these are a long way off and will require a great deal of sacrifice. Visiting Turkey and Armenia are also on my personal list, but mainly for research for a book. I will add more items later.
Monday, October 14, 2013
Walking on Stormy Waters
Sometimes you try to keep your head above water and the waves just keep hitting you in the face, but when you can rise up just a little, then you are strolling upon undulating hills of fluid. It takes enormous amounts of focus, concentration, hope, and faith. It takes courage to know that the things you can't control may merely be stepping stones for the future.
I don't think I slept much last night, but every time I woke, I was able to go back to sleep by thinking about smells. Apparently the smell center is close to the sleep center in the brain and suddenly I have a non-medical tool to help with my circumstantial insomnia. It is a great blessing.
I have spent my life doing for myself. It is in my blood, this independent streak. It isn't pride. I remember being this way as a tiny child, wanting to do it alone, by myself, as if that was the only path I could see. It is physically painful to accept help from others. I eventually came to the conclusion that this was some form of great strength, doing things alone, when in reality, I was left exposed to the elements, blasted by the wind and storms.
I suddenly and painfully came to the conclusion that this lone tree was in a storm that could not be weathered alone, and there was a forest of support nearby. As it turns out, the forest does not weaken, it is strength, and when I am about to fall I find myself sured up while my roots dig a little deeper. It is a beautiful phenomenon, and not the crutch I had always supposed it would be. I was always willing to be there for others, but something magical happens when you are able to graciously receive the hands extended toward you.
I don't think I slept much last night, but every time I woke, I was able to go back to sleep by thinking about smells. Apparently the smell center is close to the sleep center in the brain and suddenly I have a non-medical tool to help with my circumstantial insomnia. It is a great blessing.
I have spent my life doing for myself. It is in my blood, this independent streak. It isn't pride. I remember being this way as a tiny child, wanting to do it alone, by myself, as if that was the only path I could see. It is physically painful to accept help from others. I eventually came to the conclusion that this was some form of great strength, doing things alone, when in reality, I was left exposed to the elements, blasted by the wind and storms.
I suddenly and painfully came to the conclusion that this lone tree was in a storm that could not be weathered alone, and there was a forest of support nearby. As it turns out, the forest does not weaken, it is strength, and when I am about to fall I find myself sured up while my roots dig a little deeper. It is a beautiful phenomenon, and not the crutch I had always supposed it would be. I was always willing to be there for others, but something magical happens when you are able to graciously receive the hands extended toward you.
Thursday, October 3, 2013
Torrents
Should I say this is an attempt to catch up? This past year is something I can't recover and the storms have stripped me to the bone, exposing raw flesh and at times an unstoppable fountain of bitter tears. At times? Oh you brute, Honesty! You drive a deep nail when you remind me that those acid tears burn straight through my heart almost daily.
My pantomime of fairy dust isn't enough these days to mask the real desert in my heart. I have seen despair in spades that has cropped up and replaced the garden of hopes and dreams I nurtured for years. How could this blade of reality strike my life with a bitter winter at the moment it should be blossoming with the tender dreams of a rich and prosperous life? Blight, disease, cankerous rust eating away at the beautiful moments I once dreamed of for over a decade have taken me from unsinkable to unthinkable sorrow.
Were you always waiting in the wings, like a dark shadow, waiting to darken my glittering sunshine? Did you laugh as you thought of that most glorious moment when my heart should soar on wings of joy only to be shattered by your fleet of burning arrows? Did you taste the rotting flavor of my defeat as I could no longer hold onto my prized hope and it fell from my clutches while I spin out of control toward the daggered blades of stone? Here I lie, bleeding, aching, cast from flight to bruised and torn disrepair, unable to soar to the aid of any other. Those few who catch some glimpse of this hell toss bandaids at gaping wounds and occasionally pour an ounce of fire into this charred and uninhabitable space.
The very salve I require is not available to heal. Instead caustic words brand deeper in never healing wounds and cripple, weaken, crush the last remaining bits of me that are reaching out for the cure that I now see as only a mirage.
Saturday, July 20, 2013
Potty training
Today I thought I would attempt potty training. Two babies, two potties, a fail-proof plan... Both girls commando with 15 minute playtimes followed by potty breaks. I even gave them each an iPod to watch UP! while they sat. It wasn't easy watching them like a hawk. I knew if I looked away for even an instant they would poop behind my back. I was vigilant. Within the first few minutes, Peanut peed on the cool air vent. I should have known she wasn't just "airing things out." No big deal, right?
During one of our potty times, Cricket stood up, walked over to the bath mat and peed on it. Okay, okay, still not going so well, but at least we were staying away from pooping, right? As we were headed to the potty on one occasion, Cricket started to grunt. I quickly hurried her down the hall toward the potty (dropping a rabbit pellet along the way) and there she sat... and sat... and sat... with no more pellets.
We had one more session, and the girls were tired and hungry. We ate, sat again, and then went down to the front room before it was going to be nap time. There was a distinct smell in the air, the smell I kept expecting in the bathroom, but that never happened. I turned to see a small pile of hard droppings sitting on the air vent. How and when they arrived there, I was not sure, but when I calmly but firmly explained that we poop in the potty, not on the floor, Cricket got upset.
When I came back down with diapers in hand, Peanut fessed up and sobbed her confession (without any real words, mind you). She felt so bad. I comforted her and said it was okay, wondering if I had scarred her for life and if she would be afraid of the potty from here on out. Hmmm. Well, that sums up my epic failure on the potty frontier. Don't know how it goes for everyone else, but maybe my failure will make someone else feel a little better if things aren't going so well.
I am so motivated to potty train and Peanut is very ready. I hoped that Cricket, although not quite ready, would just go with the flow since I have heard it is easier to train both at the same time, but I am really starting to question that concept. One person trying to keep an eye on two busy little bums is NOT an easy task! We may wind up with three babies in diapers after all! SIGH. Junior is due right after the girls turn two, so we will have three children two and under.
During one of our potty times, Cricket stood up, walked over to the bath mat and peed on it. Okay, okay, still not going so well, but at least we were staying away from pooping, right? As we were headed to the potty on one occasion, Cricket started to grunt. I quickly hurried her down the hall toward the potty (dropping a rabbit pellet along the way) and there she sat... and sat... and sat... with no more pellets.
We had one more session, and the girls were tired and hungry. We ate, sat again, and then went down to the front room before it was going to be nap time. There was a distinct smell in the air, the smell I kept expecting in the bathroom, but that never happened. I turned to see a small pile of hard droppings sitting on the air vent. How and when they arrived there, I was not sure, but when I calmly but firmly explained that we poop in the potty, not on the floor, Cricket got upset.
When I came back down with diapers in hand, Peanut fessed up and sobbed her confession (without any real words, mind you). She felt so bad. I comforted her and said it was okay, wondering if I had scarred her for life and if she would be afraid of the potty from here on out. Hmmm. Well, that sums up my epic failure on the potty frontier. Don't know how it goes for everyone else, but maybe my failure will make someone else feel a little better if things aren't going so well.
I am so motivated to potty train and Peanut is very ready. I hoped that Cricket, although not quite ready, would just go with the flow since I have heard it is easier to train both at the same time, but I am really starting to question that concept. One person trying to keep an eye on two busy little bums is NOT an easy task! We may wind up with three babies in diapers after all! SIGH. Junior is due right after the girls turn two, so we will have three children two and under.
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